Learning through the wrong way in a world of lies

I wish it was what it seemed.
Mistake made, another one again.
But sometimes you need to take a chance; I did, and fell from grace.

"...And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"
- Pink Floyd

The vague conception hiding deep in my heart that the world isn't pretending all the time, is irritating and idiotic.
I always fall for the wrong person; get hurt; cry; write poems in the middle of the night.
Recently, my insomniac nights have withdrawn productiveness, being diseased by an endless stupor of my inept mind.
So, I don't write anymore.
Something more has died within me. I don't ask anymore, "Why me?"
Maybe all these wrong things are good in a way. Every being has to be tempered with enough agony to mean something in the end.
Sometimes I just wish...wish life was a better film, a mainstream one, maybe worthless, but happier.
And yet I wish more, defying the rules of the real world, in my own immature and foolish ways. I wish you'd call me up and tell me you are sorry. I wish you'd get hurt and feel the way you have hurt me. I wish you'd fail terrible time and again, and feel the guilt of letting me down. I wish you'd fix your mistakes and fix my broken heart too. I wish....I wish you were the one I wanted you to be.
Not the phantom of my dreams, but the savior of my reality.
We were on a journey; I planned things like foolish people and you left me in a halfway house.
Lessons, they must be learned.
But I still wait, don't know why.
No, I don't want you back. Then why?
I'm okay, I'm alright. I can carry whiskey on my breath and still not cry.

Inner and outer life, when both are unbearable, it's hard to survive.
Yet I do. I don't rip myself apart or drown in the ocean of misery. I only become more cynical and sadistic.
Is that not good? For me? For the world is overflowing with the likes of you.
I am stronger now. But still a messed up teenager who is weak on her legs.
Where is salvation?
Where is love?
Nowhere is the sky blue, for there is a dark filter over my eyes.
My mind casts a shadow on your memories.
Yes, I love you no more.

P.S.- touches are stronger than you thought they were.

~ Pixie