The end of her.

I've abandoned this blog.
Why?
Because I grew up.
I don't write open letters anymore.
Also I am now incapable of being this sensitive and romantic.
If you want to read, go on. But this person has changed, for good.
So may it rest in peace while I go on living...
As life is led by all
more or less
enacting
the myth of Sisyphus.

Blue is the Sky

The Blue is ever-stretching,
longer than athanasia ,
flowing within 
the perpetuity of time.
But it ends,
the failure of my eyesight
is somehow the reason why
the Blue ends -
Somewhere down the horizon...
I lay still in the embrace of a meadow
on the vale of autumn grace,
Astounded by the smell of
An unceasing mortal melody
of my beautiful loneliness.

Learning through the wrong way in a world of lies

I wish it was what it seemed.
Mistake made, another one again.
But sometimes you need to take a chance; I did, and fell from grace.

"...And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"
- Pink Floyd

The vague conception hiding deep in my heart that the world isn't pretending all the time, is irritating and idiotic.
I always fall for the wrong person; get hurt; cry; write poems in the middle of the night.
Recently, my insomniac nights have withdrawn productiveness, being diseased by an endless stupor of my inept mind.
So, I don't write anymore.
Something more has died within me. I don't ask anymore, "Why me?"
Maybe all these wrong things are good in a way. Every being has to be tempered with enough agony to mean something in the end.
Sometimes I just wish...wish life was a better film, a mainstream one, maybe worthless, but happier.
And yet I wish more, defying the rules of the real world, in my own immature and foolish ways. I wish you'd call me up and tell me you are sorry. I wish you'd get hurt and feel the way you have hurt me. I wish you'd fail terrible time and again, and feel the guilt of letting me down. I wish you'd fix your mistakes and fix my broken heart too. I wish....I wish you were the one I wanted you to be.
Not the phantom of my dreams, but the savior of my reality.
We were on a journey; I planned things like foolish people and you left me in a halfway house.
Lessons, they must be learned.
But I still wait, don't know why.
No, I don't want you back. Then why?
I'm okay, I'm alright. I can carry whiskey on my breath and still not cry.

Inner and outer life, when both are unbearable, it's hard to survive.
Yet I do. I don't rip myself apart or drown in the ocean of misery. I only become more cynical and sadistic.
Is that not good? For me? For the world is overflowing with the likes of you.
I am stronger now. But still a messed up teenager who is weak on her legs.
Where is salvation?
Where is love?
Nowhere is the sky blue, for there is a dark filter over my eyes.
My mind casts a shadow on your memories.
Yes, I love you no more.

P.S.- touches are stronger than you thought they were.

~ Pixie

Smells like love...

It’s the time to feel the rain. Feel the sensation of each droplet on my skin.
And don't forget the thunders...the dark clouds. I love the smell of the mud after rain soothing my heart in a calm and strange manner..
Now fall into reality please -_-
 Yes, Summer has gone away so long. But why is it still hot?

I feel suffocated sometimes. Not by the hotness of weather, but by people around me.

But sometimes the city let me fly…. And I fly like I can never fall. And I don’t.

Is it time I fall in love? Or is it time I run away?

It’s been so long since someone has hugged me, loved me, and made me feel alive.

I thought love came, but it wasn’t love.

And Now I’m in a dilemma again. There’s a beautiful blackhole. It calls me up and pulls me near. I can’t resist it. It is in my mind, in my heart, telling me to jump in it all the time.

But once I jump, I can never come back.

Where life would take me? Why can’t I find comfort?

Serenity…solace?

Hold me, and tell me it’s ok. Tell me you are not a blackhole, you are just another nice guy under that attractive mask. Tell me.

Or not.
Rain comes, and goes away.
So do people.
So will you.
Will you?

P.S.- I love you.

~Yours Pixie

Somewhere down the road, lives a lonely heart.

Winter is on its way to bead good bye.
It won’t wait long.
It won’t wait for me to embrace it.
I just don’t wanna let it go.

Why is the heart so dusty and dull today?
Why don’t the eyes shine anymore?
Why do I miss the colors of my sky?
I miss its blue and golden beams. They used to paint my mornings and afternoons.
But its frozen stars stay awake at night. I don’t pretend to be alone; I sleep with them.

Laziness and study are interrelated. Whenever I open the textbook, I feel sleepy or hungry.
I really want to get away from this mechanical world and live in some alien planet where beauty and love caresses the minds.
But board exams won’t listen to my heart. They hang like a knife over my head.
I feel so stressed.
I miss the old days.
Did I mention that they were so good for me?
…May be.
Actually I was too busy dreaming of future that I couldn’t feel the hidden essence of that time.
Now, when loneliness surrounds me and nothingness takes me to semi-asleep mood, I get lost in those memories and make myself live them once again.

But I never missed out the world around me. It’s still same beautifully ugly. Still I love it so much.
Don’t know why.

May be because your dreams are buried in here, somewhere.

Enough for now.
It’s time to go, put back myself into real life and shed silent tears I never cried.
But I’ll be back soon. I promise.
Shine on …
:)

P.S.- I love you

~ Yours Pixie

.

Randomly Life

Waking up after a sad dream and seeing the sun shining bright is bittersweet.
But what if it rains, what if the sky remains covered with dark clouds?
…It leaves an eerie taste of melancholy in your heart.

And unfortunately I get to taste the second one a lot.

I wish it were different than it is.

Sometimes things go wrong and oddness fills your mind.
What do you do then?
Stay calm and neutral? Or run around vomiting your madness?

I am naturally weird. But I can’t be anything unusual.
Although I get the wish to go and jump in the middle of the sea…and..err.. drown and jump off the terrace of a building with 10 floors.

I wonder if I could be more acceptable and graceful.
I can’t pretend. That’s another problem.

Why are you never happy with your life?

I bet no one is. Not 100%.
No way.

And I want to be happy till I die. I want to be with the person I love.
I want to embrace every moment of life. I want to experience every bit of my success and stupidity.

I know I don’t ever make any sense.

But I need to speak my mind to someone…and that’s you.

P.S.- I love you.

~ Yours Pixie

Winter came...

I saw a frozen dewdrop on a thorn of a cactus.
"Are you here?", I asked.

"Yes sugar", whispered Winter.

I live in a hot city. Snowy hills, white roads and frozen lakes aren't here.
I never glided, I never skated.
But still I love Winter. I found a silent grace in Winter's footsteps.
I love it when I'm alone at my balcony at a wintry dawn with my hands under the warm wrapper around me and the city sleeps.

Or the nights with frozen stars and cold lonelyness.
I love every bit of it.

Winter makes me feel like a lone teardrop. There's something so romantic about it.
Yet, I don't long for you in my cold nights. I want to be hurt, more hurt and alone.
A love for pain winter brings in me.

I don't know why and how.

But somehow when I shiver in the night seeing a bad dream, I want you to be with me.

P.s.- I love you.

~ Yours Pixie

feelings I say

I feel like I'm drifting with the clouds on so high in this blue autumn sky.
A joyful surrounding is caressing my feelings.
Like a forlorn dewdrop I stay on the edge of the grass thinking if to fall or not.
A cold breeze blows shivering all my hidden aches.
my feelings, they haunt me sometimes.
You would say, what is the point of feeling when you can not express your feelings.
But look at me, I still have hope, i can bloom with new dreams and may be... may be someday I would be able to speak louder the words I'm thinking or mumbling.
Would it be enough to let the world know?
who would understand?

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight back every hard truth that's ready to smash me.

Days are duller sometimes, but the sun shines in its own way always. So I follow the sun. I carry the strength in me of shinning on after heavy rain, upon the sky.

Feelings of being empty, feelings of being defeated and ignored, being hurt and betrayed, i have those. But do I show?

No. I don't.

I hold them deep in me.

And the day I find you, I'll pour my love of pain in my devotion towards you.

I believe you would be there for me, always and forever, to listen with me the stories of fallen leaves and raindrops.

till then, take care.

~ Yours Pixie

Because..

My another sleepless night had passed, another rainy day in Autumn had began...and I missed you.
Do I know you?
No, you don't think so; nor do I.

You don't know me truly...and I know, you never would.

But still I'm so obsessed with you, with your eyes, your words. And those leave me with nothing but a deeper wound in the heart.
By entity is buried in your wilderness....
my love towards you is like the fragrance to flower, the colors to sky, the melody to music...
no, I am not a mad person. Most probably.

I appear to be quite alright.
It's just that I cant hold my suppressed feelings anymore within a little me.
There's left a world to tell you...
But look, I'm shattered, lost in this solitary moment...

Because the tears are falling,
Because the time is passing,
Because this moment is fading
In an  ocean of endless pain,
And I'm still standing here for you...

....

p.s.~ I love You.

- yours Pixie.